its so scary.

we've been thrown this hard ball right into our faces. at currently the hardest most important times of our lives.

and its not a normal problem. this hard ball will likely decide our future. how we will be as individuals.

how do we overcome this problem??

i want to be stronger than this. i want us to rise from this shithole with our heads held high and able to say 'we did the right thing'. i want to know for a fact that we took all the right moves.

probably its not so bad. i mean there's still a chance, slim as it is.

yet why do i get random poundings in my heart? why do i sometimes feel the weight of it all? why can't i concentrate?

now now i know other people in the world go through much worse. i can't even compare myself to them. but still, it still affects me.

i know God is testing us. or punishing us is more likely kot. i just wish that while he's doing that, He would give us the strength to be stronger. He'd give us the hikmah and keterangan hati to see clearly and fix this. He'd give aidah the energy and determination to overcome this. she needs to. she deserves it.

it sucks. i mean, if it doesn't work out, it could destroy us. and i'm not exaggerating. i hope we can recover but i don't know. i think thats the scary thing: if this doesn't work out, our lives would be changed. the future we envisaged would be, well not 100% gone, but still different from what we planned.

the worst part is i know she's probably going through worse.

i wish i could trade lives with her. she DOES NOT deserve to go through this.

she deserves to be happy. to be able to succeed in life. to fulfill her own dreams.

she does NOT deserve to worry about shit like this 5 days before exams. does NOT deserve to feel low and incapable. does NOT deserve to have her confidence shaken like this.

i wish i was stronger. i wish i knew what to say. i wish i myself is not affected by this, not because i'm selfish, but because if i wasn't affected, perhaps i'd be able to convince her and make her happy.

thats all i want.

for her to be happy.

damn you S-hole.