berlin

BERLIN WAS GREAT! fun fun fun. very historical and big and awesome. haha.

i wanna go into detail, but to be honest i'm way way way too tired. maybe later i'll do it. :) regardless, berlin best!

currently in Bonn at marissa's. next up: amsterdam and prague. jeah.

okay random post.

jerseys to buy:

Manchester United 08/09 White Away Champions League Final
Russia National Away 09/10 Long Sleeve
Ajax Amsterdam Home
Hertha Berlin Home
Sparta Prague Home
Bonner SC Home
England Home 09/10
Manchester United Home 09/10
AC Milan Home Beckham/Maldini
Real Madrid?

its so scary.

we've been thrown this hard ball right into our faces. at currently the hardest most important times of our lives.

and its not a normal problem. this hard ball will likely decide our future. how we will be as individuals.

how do we overcome this problem??

i want to be stronger than this. i want us to rise from this shithole with our heads held high and able to say 'we did the right thing'. i want to know for a fact that we took all the right moves.

probably its not so bad. i mean there's still a chance, slim as it is.

yet why do i get random poundings in my heart? why do i sometimes feel the weight of it all? why can't i concentrate?

now now i know other people in the world go through much worse. i can't even compare myself to them. but still, it still affects me.

i know God is testing us. or punishing us is more likely kot. i just wish that while he's doing that, He would give us the strength to be stronger. He'd give us the hikmah and keterangan hati to see clearly and fix this. He'd give aidah the energy and determination to overcome this. she needs to. she deserves it.

it sucks. i mean, if it doesn't work out, it could destroy us. and i'm not exaggerating. i hope we can recover but i don't know. i think thats the scary thing: if this doesn't work out, our lives would be changed. the future we envisaged would be, well not 100% gone, but still different from what we planned.

the worst part is i know she's probably going through worse.

i wish i could trade lives with her. she DOES NOT deserve to go through this.

she deserves to be happy. to be able to succeed in life. to fulfill her own dreams.

she does NOT deserve to worry about shit like this 5 days before exams. does NOT deserve to feel low and incapable. does NOT deserve to have her confidence shaken like this.

i wish i was stronger. i wish i knew what to say. i wish i myself is not affected by this, not because i'm selfish, but because if i wasn't affected, perhaps i'd be able to convince her and make her happy.

thats all i want.

for her to be happy.

damn you S-hole.

scared

its funny. i'm not the most hardworking guy around. i don't 'love' to study. i don't voluntary go to the library. i know exams are in two weeks and yet i still find excuses not to study.

yet all this does not bother me, because i know its my own mistakes.

what does bother and scare me though, is when aidah doesn't study.

when i study and she doesn't, i feel guilty because i know she should. when she's watching nip/tuck, i can't concentrate because i worry.

i worry. thats just it. another sign that i've changed. i actually worry about aidah. whether she can do her exams. if she gets through.

most of the time i worry more about her than i worry about myself.

i wasn't like this before. it was always 'i study, you tak study padan muka la'. now, not anymore.

its annoying. like that thing where i smile at her when actually i want to scream at her. sama gang. annoying.

haihz....

okay!

okay so its been a long while since i posted. sorta makes this blog seem useless. haha.

too many stuff have happened for me to bother to update. i mean, i went to about 4 concerts, went to manchester again, performed, had coursework, yada yada yada, and now i find myself about 3 weeks from my first paper.

nervous? well... surprisingly not so much. that's not to say i'm confident either. its just i find that i have adapted well to the teaching system here. i mean, i'm not lost in the subject, you know what i mean? so now, when i revise, although i don't know the details, at the very least i'll know what that topic is talking about. haha.

anyway, can't wait for exams to be over. too many stuff to look forward to. eurotrip, malaysia, jamming. oh and that lil thing called my wedding :)

me, getting married. who would have thought it to be possible. me, the nerdy bullied geek in high school, ultra-vain casanova wannabe in college, manipulative asshole in relationships, selfish spoilt brat in life, is gonna settle down to watch friends, grow old, cook, and write unlimited love songs about his wife, Aidah. all at the age of 22.

no more flirting. no more sudden rush of catching a girl's eye. no more sly grin when talking about a hot girl. no more sleepless nights after a fight where you re-consider your relationship. no more chance of fulfilling that fantasy with angelina jolie.

sounds so sad, doesn't it? at such a young age, throwing all that away.

well, some people might say that.

to me, right now, at this very moment, that boring view of married life is all i want. :)

Fall Out Boy

this is like two weeks due, so a couple of facts might be missing. haha.

went to cardiff two weeks ago. purpose was to watch Fall Out Boy, but my darling fiance missed me too much that she decided she wanted to follow :P hahaha! (in reality terbalik, i begged her to follow). but she didnt want to waste money for the gig, so she just decided to teman me walk around cardiff. till the gig.

woke up early, aidah prepared some bekal. got on the train, yada yada yada, sampai, makan jap. :)

once dah habis makan, we jalan jalan'd around cardiff city. to be honest, not much of a big deal. i mean i guess the cool thing is that its a whole different language, and there was hardrock cafe, and cardiff uni, but other than that, it was pretty much like any other town.

anywhoo, we just walked around, masuk some shops, BOUGHT A SEMI ACOUSTIC GUITAR :P hehe. reason was coz it was on sale i got a bunch of stuff free with it :).

once dah petang sikit, we decided to visit our friend who was studying in cardiff uni, went to his house, lepaked for a while. i sembahyang'd, then once it was close to 6, we decided to leave. i had a concert to catch :D haha.

we walked to cardiff international arena, only to find a LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG line of emo-kids-posers (with their parents). hahaha. seriously, all budak kecik. but hey i'm gonna watch fall out boy so who cares right. lol. aidah decided to line up with me (while carrying my guitar. she looked like a busker. lol). things got worst when it started to rain! after about 30 mins finally the line began to move.

once i reached the front, i said goodbye to aidah, and went in. aidah had to catch her train, i think it was about 7+ pm. once inside, i noted that no wonder a lot of ppl were allowed in. the place was HUGE. i mean it was an actual arena. lol. i guess i jakun coz so far all the gigs i've been in UK has been in small or normal sized nightclubs.

anyway, i walked around the arena, looking at the merchandise, and tried to figure out a way to buy the merch before the gig without having to carry it the whole time. usually i wont really care, but my sis specifically pesan'd some stuff, and i didnt want to let her down :)

suddenly, a stroke of genius hit me. haha.

i bought about three FOB tshirts, then qued up at the jacket counter :P paid 1 pound, and got to keep my jacket + the three shirts, without having to worry about it till after the gig. haha. genius eh?

once dah settled that, i went back in the arena, just in time to catch the first opening act, Hey Monday. they were ok ok la... still seemed like a paramore-copy cat. i guess its the current trend kot.. only diff is that they sounded much more simpler compared to Paramore. thats good i guess. at least all these female lead vocalist bands have diff sounds. heck, Versa Emerge sounds (to me) kinda like a radio-Saosin. haha.

next up was Kids In Glass Houses. again, normal nice la. nothing much special. thats not to say its bad. just its all, typical i guess. nothing to differentiate it from other emo bands. haha. but regardless, still fun.

finally, Fall Out Boy. the fact that these are the kings of radio friendly emo is certainly true. they played well and excellent, and basically nothing wrong. very enjoyable show.

except for the, what i'd like to call, 'MCR Malaysia' Syndrome.

they played perfectly, talented, no screw ups watsoever. PERFECT. just like any other gig. it was obvious that they've toured the world and are experienced, and it just seems like to them 'oh well this is just another show. nothing special'. tu je la. it was veryy.... detached. i mean, at Chiodos' concert, it was personal. i mean the fans were passionate, knew all the songs, moshed, and the band was really cool and played old songs and even some acoustics.

i guess its also coz i didnt really LOVE Fall Out Boy, and didnt know all the songs. but still, i guess thats the downside.

in addition to that, the crowd was also a problem. we had kids who seemed like they've never been to a concert before. haha. i mean sure depan tu ada la mosh and all, but normal innocent like moshes. normal jumping up and down. around me pun sama. there was no wall of death or anything. haha. i guess thats to be expected. i mean, it is fall out boy. but again, it reminded me of the MCR crowd back in Malaysia. again, the 'MCR Malaysia' Syndrome. lol.

thats pretty much it. song wise they played their usual hits with some new songs, and a cover of Estelle - American Boy. but tu je la. enjoyable, but normal. lol.

after the gig, got my stuff, and preceded to wait for the bus for 4 HOURS!!! the gig finished at 10+ and my bus back to Bristol was at 1 am =/ smart huh? lol. luckily there was a burger king so till about 11pm i was there :). reached home, went to bed.

so thats it. another concert experience in UK. so far, all great. haha. i'm so lucky i'm here and able to go to all these gigs. :) next up, TBS, UNDEROATH, ENTER SHIKARI, THE ACADEMY IS. WOO HOOO!!!!

friends.

i suddenly miss my friends in malaysia.

sure they had their flaws. could be selfish/childish/judgmental etc.

but ntah. with them i was comfy with who i am. i could be who i want to be. i could talk about anything with any of them for hours.

i would be judged by them, but i won't have to worry about them caring what they judged me about (does this make sense?).

over here ntah. i've met tons of good friends. but its just not the same.

with my friends in malaysia, if there was a problem, big or small, i knew we could settle it and still come out as friends. here in bristol, i'm not so sure.

with my friends in malaysia, i knew they had my back, no matter how shitty the situation is. and this has been proven. if i make a mistake, they'll take the crap out of me, but still give me advice to fix it. and better yet, i could do the same to them. i could talk to them or scold them or tease them, knowing they wouldn't take my words the wrong way.

here, not so sure.

i know i'm crapping and going around my words, but ntah. it makes sense to me.

i miss my friends.

you know who you are.