fcuk.

Current Song: Pink Panther theme.

i'm going to turn back into the whiny emo kid i was a few years back. haha.

i HATE the fact that now my confidence is gone. confidence for anything la. to do stuff, or to say i'm right, or even to confront people. its gone.

and i know its cause of 3 reasons: the shit i did with aidah, my bald-spot period, and HIX.

because of these two occurances, my confidence was shot to hell. before, i could easily say what i want without feeling guilty or without thinking or even CARING if its wrong or right. i just do anything. if i wanted to be moody, i'll be moody. if i wanted to snap at people, i will. if i wanted to just go to a stranger and give him or her a hug to show how much the world is great, i would.

now, i cant do any of that. i mean those two events made me concious. if i do something, i would doubt myself. I NEVER DOUBTED MYSELF BEFORE. and fine, that might have affected other people or annoy other people but still, it made me happy. even just a little bit. now, its hard for myself to make myself happy. its like since those two events, i can't just complain or rant like a normal person. haha.

before, if i had a problem i could easily talk to my friends about it, like Luq or Syam, and KNOW for a fact they won't judge me or give me shit about it sgt. they would make it light and make everything seem do-a-ble. now, i would always doubt and think that they judge me if i have a problem. like if i complain they would think, 'haihz this idiot complain je tau'. honestly. its not their fault, i mean they probably dont think that way. its just what i fear nowadays. thats why jarang i turn all emo and rant or complain. and i HATE it. i loved dulu when i could just say a simple fuck you to anyone. kinda like how nana still is. yes it might hurt, might be rude. but its not like i say it unnecessarily. whenever i do it, its only because it affects me.

but yeah, now i doubt. i think everyone judges me. even Aidah. its like she doesn't really love ME, but more like she loves the IDEA of me. like she loves the potential of who i could one day become. and what if i don't? what if instead of being some stand-up, slick hair, multibillion, alim sembahyang, clever, beautiful kids, lawyer, i instead become a washed-up, drunken, buncit, yellow teeth, lung cancer potential patient, white hair, thin as a stick, perasan musician? would she still love me?

again, its not her fault. its just me that thinks that way. i never once used to doubt it. even when we broke up because i fucked up, i was confident she would take me back because i KNEW her love for me was strong. now, i doubt.

its just FUCKED i tell you.

also because of my bald spot period, i was embarassed. i had zero confidence to even go out without a cap. it sucked. malu gila. thats why i kept wearing caps. it affected the shit out of me. i tried to not let it affect la kan, but after a while its impossible. so.... love your hair :P haha.

and its not just my friends or aidah, its like anybody, even strangers. before i was confident when i go out, the way i dress, the way i talk. now, i doubt it. i feel everyone hates it. even with HIX. i feel they're freezing me out coz i'm going to uk. for example Luq invited Azwan, in front of ME, to record lagu and all and didn't even bother mentioning it to me. not to mention they never take any of my ideas, which i'm okay with now kot. but thats not the point. the point is when HIX does that, it makes me feel more like they're punishing me or doing it on purpose. its irrational and it sucks, and i feel its fucked, but thats how i think now.

and yes before anyone else says it, i do deserve this after what i did. but that doesnt me i cant rant once in awhile can i? =)

i think its people who were directly involved in the whole drama kot that i feel this way about. for example people like Man, Nana, Amirul or even Acap and Azwan, i'm still ok. tak la concious or whatever. i can still tell them how i feel about anything or anyone. i can even say fuck you to them and know they won't hate me for it.

but people like Luq, Syam, Husna, even Adrin and Aidah, its hard to say or talk about me or my life or about my love life or health or family or even music or tv or clothes or dirt or food or ANYTHING, without feeling they would judge me. without thinking that they would say 'can't this guy do better'? without feeling malu and ashamed and concious.

and it sucks coz there's no real reason why i feel that. its not through any fault of their own. its mostly me and what i feel.

it just sucks :)

ps: is it 'concious' or 'conscience'?

pps: to anyone reading this, please don't be kecik hati or anything like that. i've said this many times kat atas ni, its what I myself think and feel, not what YOU did.

bored bored

i hhhhhaaaattteee being sick. especially flu. coz of my sinus and shit it gets worst then normal. dark green pleghm that just gets stuck in your throat. eugh. it sucks.

sucks.

sucks.

tomorrow gonna perform for that yamaha competition. should be fine. banyak budak. haha. i'm worried bout my band mates la coz their kids so cam tak penah perform etc and ada stagefright. haha. teringat zaman i first started playing. but yea in some ways this is my FIRST time for playing bass la. ada solo lagi. hope tak screw it up. lol.

cherating!

so we just got back from cherating yesterday. it was AWESOME!! haha. seriously beach lawa gila. and there was not too many people so it was good. best best. tiring like fuck though.

we went in two cars. me luq azwan aidah her parents and her aunt. drove for like 5-6 hours. reach our 'chalet'. haha. it was more like a dorm like room. but honestly no complaints. it had a bed so i was happy enough. haha.

spent most of our time at the beach coz honestly, there was not much else to do. there were the usual tourist shops and a few bars but nothing special. i mean, the bar basically sucked la :P

BUT we did meet this cool guy, Awie. he runs a bar/water sport place by the beach. best best. during the day we had drinks there while swimming in the sea, and at night me and the guys went by his bar and just hung out with him. he's been around the world so it was nice to hear stories from him. plus he's a professional fire guy. i mean he does those fire things with sticks and all that u see in festivals. dont know wat else to call it. haha.

aidah's family was fun. they were cool. haha. but still guilty skit coz not my family. =) takpe la. next time.

overall a fun trip. i want to go there again with either my family or just my friends. eventhough uncle shukri paid for most of it, it would still be kinda cheap (RM50 per person for accomadation, another 100 for meals? allowance 100, around RM250 we can have a good holiday) haha.

so, watdya say guys? mari mari. haha.

damn u husna =P

damn anda husna! kena tulis in bm. haha.

7 fakta tentang saya
1) cintakan aidah (duh).
2) mempunyai fokus yang teruk tapi memory yang bagus.
3) mempunyai hidung yang seperti sungai kerana hingusss je.
4) main guitar dan muzik tapi tidak hebat.
5) rindu zaman rakan rakan semua baik dan bagus dengan saya.
6) makan banayk dan banyak kali tapi tak gemuk gemuk (lagi).
7) senang mem-judge orang dalam hati tapi jarang beritahu orang lain.

7 perkara menakutkan saya
1) uu...u.....uuuuu...uu... LAR!
2) aidah :P
3) kiamat.
5) kematian orang orang disayangi.
6) kegelapan.
7) KEMANDULAN


7 lagu buat masa sekarang
terlampau banyak.. ini yang saya ingat sekarang.

1) Kecoh Di Disko - Sembilan Di Tengahari.
2) Melalui Lima April - Tellehassee Adalah Tempat Pelacur
3) Satu Republik - Berhenti Dan Tengok Lama Lama.
4) Anak Lelaki Krim - Pengakhiran Klasik
5) Michael Cera Dan Ellen Mukasurat - Sesiapa Lain Yang Bukan Mu.
6) Asmara Kimiaku - Cermin Ini Tidak Cukup Besar Untuk Kami Berdua
7) Ambil Balik Ahad - Pastikan Betul Betul.

7 perkara yang selalu saya sebut
1) i love you.
2) shit.
3) fuck ah.
4) (sesuatu) adalah amat panas sekarang! (is so hot right now!)
5) hello?
6) yes.
7) tak tau! awak tentukan. (you decide).


7 perkara yang amat bernilai
1) lamboo!
2) Aidah.
3) keluarga.
4) rakan rakan.
5) internet.
6) HIX
7) porn. (kepada lelaki, anda tau ini benar!)

7 "pertama kali" dalam hidup saya
1) rasa cam tahi.
2) rindu org.
3) masak
4) tinggal di luar.
5) rasa seperti diriku bukan diri yang sebenar.
6) cuba fikir seperti orang baik.
7) mempersoalkan diri sendiri.


7 orang bertuah (KENE JAWAB TAG NI BALIK!)
1) Aidah, jika anda ada blog =P
2) Adrin.
3) Acap.
4) Nana
5) Lily
6) Luq
7) Syam

Current Song: Matchbook Romance - Stories and Alibis

i used to love this band. their album was actually very good. too bad they broke up. fark.

anyway preparing for a cherating trip this weekend. aidah's parents are paying for it. luq and azwan mengacau. haha. no la. their filling up the spaces. i feel bad for not being able to invite the other guys but aidah's parents yang plan it so i dont want to push it. i pick those two pun coz they seem to get along the best with them. haha.

looking forward to it. i mean cambest je. haha. but ntah. kinda worried it'll be sucky coz of luq's weird attitude. he's annoyance with me is getting more and more annoying. haha. but so far i've been keeping to one of my new years resolution: make peace with people. coz i'm flying off soon so i dont want to leave gaduh2 etc. haha.

other then that everything is fine kot. aidah and i went through a rough patch but we're kinda ok now. i dont know. the longer it gets, the harder, but it also gets more valuable and irreplacable. haha. ntah la. i reallllllllllyyyy get what husna writes in her blog coz its pretty much the same thing i'm going through =/

which reminds me! since this is my new blog and all, any of my friends reading this, can u guys gimme your blog links too? wanna add it to ----> here. haha.

chiowsin.

fail fail.

Current Song : Before Today - Roots Beneath Ideal (i miss that kat lj dulu ada ni).

haihz. i thought new blog = more updates. turns out sama malas je nak post new stuff. haha. fail fail. the other day i went through my old lj posts and i missed it. i mean almost everyday i updated, and people actually cared to read it XD haha. even the dumbest simplest post pun it would seem fun. even nana commented that i had a way of making my lame outing sound best gila. haha. miss that.

i miss jamming. HIX took a minor break for april so kira tak jam la. Luq has Creamson so tak rasa sgt. haha. damnit. if not dulu i could've joined SJC and jammed with them. haihz. anyway i guess i do have a 'band'. i was asked to play bass for Yamaha Bukit Jelutong. apparently there's some nationwide competition between yamaha schools. winner will represent the state, country etc etc. its ok i guess. playing some jazz song and ada solo lagi. so not too bad la. i guess the only downside is that i'm the oldest member. haha. the others are just kids. lol.

my holidays are over but i still dont feel that drive to study. its weird. i got back my results and still i can play around. my results were, well, BAD la. not fail, but bad. by right i should be in nilai studying like mad, but instead i'm getting ready to go out with Aidah. haha. fuck la.

boring note : i'm kinda worried about my application to UK coz apparently one of the subjects i want to do there (Company Law) is not offered for third years. fuck.

okay, this was a boring post. i gotta practise to make my life seem fun again. haha.