fcuk.

Current Song: Pink Panther theme.

i'm going to turn back into the whiny emo kid i was a few years back. haha.

i HATE the fact that now my confidence is gone. confidence for anything la. to do stuff, or to say i'm right, or even to confront people. its gone.

and i know its cause of 3 reasons: the shit i did with aidah, my bald-spot period, and HIX.

because of these two occurances, my confidence was shot to hell. before, i could easily say what i want without feeling guilty or without thinking or even CARING if its wrong or right. i just do anything. if i wanted to be moody, i'll be moody. if i wanted to snap at people, i will. if i wanted to just go to a stranger and give him or her a hug to show how much the world is great, i would.

now, i cant do any of that. i mean those two events made me concious. if i do something, i would doubt myself. I NEVER DOUBTED MYSELF BEFORE. and fine, that might have affected other people or annoy other people but still, it made me happy. even just a little bit. now, its hard for myself to make myself happy. its like since those two events, i can't just complain or rant like a normal person. haha.

before, if i had a problem i could easily talk to my friends about it, like Luq or Syam, and KNOW for a fact they won't judge me or give me shit about it sgt. they would make it light and make everything seem do-a-ble. now, i would always doubt and think that they judge me if i have a problem. like if i complain they would think, 'haihz this idiot complain je tau'. honestly. its not their fault, i mean they probably dont think that way. its just what i fear nowadays. thats why jarang i turn all emo and rant or complain. and i HATE it. i loved dulu when i could just say a simple fuck you to anyone. kinda like how nana still is. yes it might hurt, might be rude. but its not like i say it unnecessarily. whenever i do it, its only because it affects me.

but yeah, now i doubt. i think everyone judges me. even Aidah. its like she doesn't really love ME, but more like she loves the IDEA of me. like she loves the potential of who i could one day become. and what if i don't? what if instead of being some stand-up, slick hair, multibillion, alim sembahyang, clever, beautiful kids, lawyer, i instead become a washed-up, drunken, buncit, yellow teeth, lung cancer potential patient, white hair, thin as a stick, perasan musician? would she still love me?

again, its not her fault. its just me that thinks that way. i never once used to doubt it. even when we broke up because i fucked up, i was confident she would take me back because i KNEW her love for me was strong. now, i doubt.

its just FUCKED i tell you.

also because of my bald spot period, i was embarassed. i had zero confidence to even go out without a cap. it sucked. malu gila. thats why i kept wearing caps. it affected the shit out of me. i tried to not let it affect la kan, but after a while its impossible. so.... love your hair :P haha.

and its not just my friends or aidah, its like anybody, even strangers. before i was confident when i go out, the way i dress, the way i talk. now, i doubt it. i feel everyone hates it. even with HIX. i feel they're freezing me out coz i'm going to uk. for example Luq invited Azwan, in front of ME, to record lagu and all and didn't even bother mentioning it to me. not to mention they never take any of my ideas, which i'm okay with now kot. but thats not the point. the point is when HIX does that, it makes me feel more like they're punishing me or doing it on purpose. its irrational and it sucks, and i feel its fucked, but thats how i think now.

and yes before anyone else says it, i do deserve this after what i did. but that doesnt me i cant rant once in awhile can i? =)

i think its people who were directly involved in the whole drama kot that i feel this way about. for example people like Man, Nana, Amirul or even Acap and Azwan, i'm still ok. tak la concious or whatever. i can still tell them how i feel about anything or anyone. i can even say fuck you to them and know they won't hate me for it.

but people like Luq, Syam, Husna, even Adrin and Aidah, its hard to say or talk about me or my life or about my love life or health or family or even music or tv or clothes or dirt or food or ANYTHING, without feeling they would judge me. without thinking that they would say 'can't this guy do better'? without feeling malu and ashamed and concious.

and it sucks coz there's no real reason why i feel that. its not through any fault of their own. its mostly me and what i feel.

it just sucks :)

ps: is it 'concious' or 'conscience'?

pps: to anyone reading this, please don't be kecik hati or anything like that. i've said this many times kat atas ni, its what I myself think and feel, not what YOU did.