habis~ and the ranting begins :P

well my exams are OVER!!! hahahahahah!

gila la. dah lama dah tak feel this way. takyah feel guilty about having a LITTLE bit of fun. haha.

feels good :P

of course, the fear of my results will always hang over my head till 28th august (results day).

if i pass, UK here i come! if i fail, well... i'll see you guys for another year la :P haha.

anyway, i know this is kinda random, and irrelevant seeing as to how the only people who would care about this never reads this blog anyway, but right now i wish i was a rocker in phillipines. i'm NOT saying malaysian bands are bad or less talented. i'm just saying in phillipines, its more my type of music. emo with an equal balance of hardcore and pop/easy-on-the-ears. in malaysia, the only bands i can think of like that is Oh Chenta Ku, Avalon's Whisper, and, well, HIX. the other majority underground bands out there that are popular or more respected are almost 90% hardcore bands, or 90% pop bands. so ntah. i like em, can listen to them and all, but if i was in phillipines, i think i would have more fun. i mean bands like Chicosci, Urbandub and Typecast is definitely my cup of tea.

just now syam said i'm not a gig-goer. well, i may not be now la. my reason is cos there's rarely gigs that any bands that i really like would be playing, and i've been super busy. so yes, i've rarely gone to gigs.

but syam, luq, azwan, they all forgot that before, i was more into gigs than any of them. they say i dont support the local underground etc. bullshit. before (except syam la, he's been into gigs lama dah), luq would only go to gigs that has love me butch, and RARELY would layan hardcore bands. in fact, if before i would tell him to listen to some bands, he's say 'kau ni emo sgt la, hardcore sgt la'. NOW, all the bands that he listens to, he'll tell me and talk to me as if i dont know, or as if he's the guy that found them. sheesh. and azwan, well, when i was going to gigs dulu, he was probably at home. coz i dont think he was into gigs sgt before he was in HIX. then again, i wasnt close to him dulu so ntah la.

but anyway my point is, dulu i went to ANY gigs on weekends, sometimes not even with them. i would be the one would buy stuff (cd's shirts and all) and i NEVER called any of them a non-local-supporter. haihz.

the only reason for this post is nothing particular. just i'm kinda tired of luq thinking ''nik mana layan hardcore/nik layan emo/pop je!'' or azwan saying ''ala kau nik?? mana penah nak pegi stay gig? mana support?''. fine, now i dont go to gigs or anything, i dont listen to hardcore 24/7. so? haihz. seriously, wassup with all the judging man?

so ntah la. guys if u read this, dont judge and think i'm just some kid who only goes to gigs i play at. or tak penah support. or some loser that tak tau certain bands. sereal wei. haha.

i know its probably not a big deal, but its just soooo fucking annoying that just because NOW underground gigs are the current trend, and NOW the bands i kinda kurang minat are playing a lot, and NOW i'd consider spending my weekends at home, that i'm automatically some pop-loving dont know underground bands shit hole poser.

i mean, i like pop. so what? i like emo. so what? i like hardcore. so what? i like jazz. so what? (and those who know me well enough would know that i'm not just saying ''i like'' because of one or two songs. i buy the albums. i support the bands. i LISTEN).

haihz. i'm too harsh kot. luq azwan etc never said this directly, or i doubt they even think it sgt pun. its just annoying when its implied, or get teased at me. menyampah. so guys, think la before you judge. i never did any of it to u when u thought a band was ''too heavy, too lame, too hardcore, too poser''. just because hardcore is the current trend, doesnt mean i have to love it. i mean, i like it, but if i dont want to go to a hardcore gig, who are u to say i'm less of an underground supporter? so think first.

hahhhhh the end of my first rant. haha. been wanting to rant for so long. tension :P next post: alamanda parking!

(btw in the unlikely event any of my friends (luq azwan syam etc) is reading this and kecik hati, come talk to me about it. confront me, nicely la :P dont simpan je like we all always do and kutuk behind each others backs. haha. i love my friends (no sarcasm)). XD

happy(?) birthday.

whee hoooo! 21 years and 1 day. and celebration?

nada.

haha. fuck la. exams is in one week. pressure is on. fuck fuck.

meh. anyway this is just a happy birthday post to me. hehe.

but is it really happy? well.. i still haven't decided :)

chiow.

ligament.

for those of you who didnt know, i tore a ligament. haha.

my ankle ligament. the way it happened was ssooo fucked up la. i was playing futsal (not that i'm any good at it, just do it for the sweating). everything was going fine, you know, the normal. scored a few own goals, let lots of goals in, gave the ball away etc. haha. then during the LAST MINUTE of the game, LITERALLY, i was running and bumped into someone, and landed ankwardly. i fell, screamed, then *poosh* the lights went out. haha. fucked up tak. it was the last kick of the game! damnit.

anyway immediately after the fall it hurt like mad. my friends had to support me out and take out my shoes and all, and my leg began to membengkak. but after awhile it got better. i mean, it hurt, but it was handlelable. no big deal la. i thought normal sprain. so i drove to hartamas to pick aidah up because SOMEONE malas nak drive (i'm just highlighting that to annoy that person :P) haha. it was ok la. hurt but was able to drive. arrived in hartamas, hung out for about 30 mins, all was fine.

but when we were going back, i realised it hurt more. it got worst. so aidah had to drive back to nilai. otw back, it got worst and worst and by the time sampai nilai (this was about 3am) i couldnt take it so i asked aidah to bring me to the clinic.

the doctor (a freaking bitch bad mood gila) told me 'oh i dont have xray eyes so i dont know what it is la'. fuck. haha. but she wrapped my legs in a bandage and gave me some painkillers and asked me to take some xrays the next morning. so fine it still hurt. we went to get some food to makan ubat, i went up to my room, ate etc, then tried to sleep.

it got worst. couldnt sleep at all. was moaning coz it hurt gila babi. it came to a point that no matter where or how i put my leg, it hurt BADLY. finally ard 7 i couldnt take it, i called aidah to take me to the hospital.

by the time i got in the car, mmg the pain was too much. i cried, screamed, etc. seksa. it was bad. aidah drove about 150 kmh to damansara hospital (coz we had no idea where the hospital was in seremban). the whole way i was crying and screaming. teruk teruk.

reached the hospital, went to the emergency, farhan was there, went to see the on call doctor, then the specialist. he put a cast around my leg and well, it felt better la. but i had to use crutches from then on. fuck.

haha that was about 3 weeks ago. since then i've changed my cast and crutches into the more practical versions, and my ankle swelling has gone. the pain nowadays has mostly got to do with 'lenguh' pain rather than actual 'pain' pain. haha. but it still sucks that i have to use crutches and i cant drive. especially hate the fact i cant drive. i hate having to rely on people and having people like my friends reminding me how much i menyusahkan (though not directly la). i hate it. benci gila menyusahkan org.

i guess yang i paling menyusahkan is aidah kot. haha. she's had to pick me up and drive anywhere to class and all. I LOVE YOU!!!! haha.

also, the proof of how committed i am to music and HIX, sakit macam mana pun, i still performed twice =P haha.

the doc said minimum recovery time is 3 weeks but i'm supposed to NOT use my leg at all. since i didnt do that (i still had to go class and perform), i hope it still fully recovers la. coz if not the docc said i'll have problems later in the future with my ankle. haihz.

and all because of the last minute of futsal. fuck.

haha.

its funny that my fun, ok, happy, good mood posts, will all be short.

but my emo angry ones would be llooooonnnnnnggggggggggg. haha.

this shall be a post for which i dont expect comments or sakit hati or basically, which i just dont give a fucking shit to. it might be wrong, unfair, selfish or whatever bullshit it may be, and i know it is. i know i might be wrong now. but guess wat?

fuck it. haha.

fuck whoever who actually thinks what they think or apa apa.

fuck it if i dont make sense.

i dont give a FUCK.

if i want to be emo and be sad, fuck you coz i'll be emo and sad and it affects anyone else, too bad.

i've had it with idiots thinking one thing when they dont know anything.

fuck it if this is a spur of the moment thing.

but like i said, do i give a fuck?

man i wish i could growl right now. haha. tgh jam growl lepas geram cambest~

i dont expect any consolation or comment for this post. haha. i doubt it makes much sense anyway.

just think of this as a pointless nameless rant.

i wish someone can be in my shoes for once and see what its like. feel how it is to always be at fault because of a year and 3 months worth of mistakes. know how it is to never ever be able to hate someone without having it thrown back in your face. know how its like to say FUCK YOU without ''ala izrin normal la''. argh! why the fuck do people expect me NOT to ever have feelings or to ALWAYS feel the guilt or to NEVER be able to blame someone else? why why?

fuck fuck fuck. fuck you the selfish spoilt judgmental idiots of the world.

like me. hehe.

man i wish i never lose aidah la. if my life is going well and i can blow up like this, imagine how i'd be like if she left me. haha.

kesian keyboard.

surprisingly for once memang this time i'm emo-ing for no particular purpose. i mean there's a reason for it la of course, but no purpose in the sense that i'm not hoping for change or anything or things to get better or worse. haha. ok fine lets leave a tinsy clue about what this is about.

i hate it that whenever something special is going on or is close, then surely ada someone that would spoil it. new years, anniversaries etc. now flying to uk. fuck la. fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.

haihz... i wish i had bigger balls to be my old self la. at least then names or sakitkan hati orang wont be a problem.

then again, that would mean i'll be bastard la. i dont want that. i kinda like being nice.

whee!

Current Song - Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze

adrin, farhan and AQIL is BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woo hooo~ hhahahha. seriously happy gila. at least now the house won't be so silent and quiet. plus i'll have other people besides myself who would go to sleep later than 12. haha. and they're back for good. so yay!!

plus, to those of you who didn't know, Aqil Arfan is the cutest smartest most adorable handsomest charming gila babi chomeyl baby EVER. well, until my own baby of course. duh~ haha.

woo hooo!!

yes, i am happy :)

fcuk.

Current Song: Pink Panther theme.

i'm going to turn back into the whiny emo kid i was a few years back. haha.

i HATE the fact that now my confidence is gone. confidence for anything la. to do stuff, or to say i'm right, or even to confront people. its gone.

and i know its cause of 3 reasons: the shit i did with aidah, my bald-spot period, and HIX.

because of these two occurances, my confidence was shot to hell. before, i could easily say what i want without feeling guilty or without thinking or even CARING if its wrong or right. i just do anything. if i wanted to be moody, i'll be moody. if i wanted to snap at people, i will. if i wanted to just go to a stranger and give him or her a hug to show how much the world is great, i would.

now, i cant do any of that. i mean those two events made me concious. if i do something, i would doubt myself. I NEVER DOUBTED MYSELF BEFORE. and fine, that might have affected other people or annoy other people but still, it made me happy. even just a little bit. now, its hard for myself to make myself happy. its like since those two events, i can't just complain or rant like a normal person. haha.

before, if i had a problem i could easily talk to my friends about it, like Luq or Syam, and KNOW for a fact they won't judge me or give me shit about it sgt. they would make it light and make everything seem do-a-ble. now, i would always doubt and think that they judge me if i have a problem. like if i complain they would think, 'haihz this idiot complain je tau'. honestly. its not their fault, i mean they probably dont think that way. its just what i fear nowadays. thats why jarang i turn all emo and rant or complain. and i HATE it. i loved dulu when i could just say a simple fuck you to anyone. kinda like how nana still is. yes it might hurt, might be rude. but its not like i say it unnecessarily. whenever i do it, its only because it affects me.

but yeah, now i doubt. i think everyone judges me. even Aidah. its like she doesn't really love ME, but more like she loves the IDEA of me. like she loves the potential of who i could one day become. and what if i don't? what if instead of being some stand-up, slick hair, multibillion, alim sembahyang, clever, beautiful kids, lawyer, i instead become a washed-up, drunken, buncit, yellow teeth, lung cancer potential patient, white hair, thin as a stick, perasan musician? would she still love me?

again, its not her fault. its just me that thinks that way. i never once used to doubt it. even when we broke up because i fucked up, i was confident she would take me back because i KNEW her love for me was strong. now, i doubt.

its just FUCKED i tell you.

also because of my bald spot period, i was embarassed. i had zero confidence to even go out without a cap. it sucked. malu gila. thats why i kept wearing caps. it affected the shit out of me. i tried to not let it affect la kan, but after a while its impossible. so.... love your hair :P haha.

and its not just my friends or aidah, its like anybody, even strangers. before i was confident when i go out, the way i dress, the way i talk. now, i doubt it. i feel everyone hates it. even with HIX. i feel they're freezing me out coz i'm going to uk. for example Luq invited Azwan, in front of ME, to record lagu and all and didn't even bother mentioning it to me. not to mention they never take any of my ideas, which i'm okay with now kot. but thats not the point. the point is when HIX does that, it makes me feel more like they're punishing me or doing it on purpose. its irrational and it sucks, and i feel its fucked, but thats how i think now.

and yes before anyone else says it, i do deserve this after what i did. but that doesnt me i cant rant once in awhile can i? =)

i think its people who were directly involved in the whole drama kot that i feel this way about. for example people like Man, Nana, Amirul or even Acap and Azwan, i'm still ok. tak la concious or whatever. i can still tell them how i feel about anything or anyone. i can even say fuck you to them and know they won't hate me for it.

but people like Luq, Syam, Husna, even Adrin and Aidah, its hard to say or talk about me or my life or about my love life or health or family or even music or tv or clothes or dirt or food or ANYTHING, without feeling they would judge me. without thinking that they would say 'can't this guy do better'? without feeling malu and ashamed and concious.

and it sucks coz there's no real reason why i feel that. its not through any fault of their own. its mostly me and what i feel.

it just sucks :)

ps: is it 'concious' or 'conscience'?

pps: to anyone reading this, please don't be kecik hati or anything like that. i've said this many times kat atas ni, its what I myself think and feel, not what YOU did.